Furlough Tips For the Hawpester

The Courier-Journal's parent corporation, Gannett, has announced that it will force most of the employees at its newspapers to take a one week furlough -- essentially an unpaid vacation. Gannett owns 85 daily newspapers including the C-J and USA Today. The company said that the furlough is an attempt to cut costs and avoid layoffs.

According to the New York Times,

A second memo to Gannett employees says that some categories of “essential employees” will be exempted from the enforced time off, as will newly hired employees, but it adds, “there will be no individual hardship exceptions.” It also says that to comply with federal and state labor laws, a furloughed employee must strictly observe a no-work rule, not even “reading or responding to e-mails, calling or responding to calls from colleagues.”

The prospect of a furlough at the C-J raises some issues. First and foremost, who is an "essential employee"? Does that include David Hawpe? His narcissistic meanderings suggest that he is essential, at least in his own mind.

But if Hawpe is not deemed essential, then an issue arises as to how he should spend his week of unpaid vacation.

Hawpe could go to D.C. to attend the Inauguration and in between events picket Gannett's headquarters just across the Potomac. Then he might be able to deduct the trip as a business expense. He could ask the nominee for Secretary of the Treasury -- that poster-boy for government competence -- about the deductibility issue, but to play it safe, Hawpe should get a second opinion from H&R Block.

Hawpe might not get much of a welcome from the Obamas, given his support of Hillary Clinton. Perhaps he could leverage his support of the incoming Secretary of State into a furlough boondoggle with an international twist. Hawpe could shield Clinton from sniper fire the next time she goes to Bosnia.

If the furlough comes sooner rather than later, Hawpe could hang out in Frankfort for a week and spin conspiracy theories. Last year, he opined that Kentucky universities were forced to cut spending because the state had failed to raise taxes. This failure to tax, according to Hawpe, stems from a secret command from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell to hold the line on taxes. That's right, Hawpe asserts that our senior U.S. Senator somehow has prevented our Democratic governor and his Democratic General Assembly from taxing and spending sufficiently.

Fuloughed employees, however, cannot read or send email. Frankfort might be too much of a temptation in that regard. Hawpe might do better communing with nature for a week.

The Age of Obama has made green chic, and Hawpe has long regaled us with his environmental bona fides. Last year, he joined Al Gore's call for civil disobedience to stop coal production. He wrote approvingly of those who tied themselves to steel drums to block construction of a coal plant. If Hawpe plans to spend his furlough strapped to steel drum, he'd better pray for a break in the weather.

Although the Hawpester apparently loved Alaska in December, so much so that he treated us, his loyal readers, to a list of everything he ate. And drank. Man of the people that he is, Hawpe indulged in

Other gastronomic delights, such as moose chili and cornbread at a special neighbor's house, and, another night, an office Christmas supper at The Turtle Club (I ordered escargots and a pile of Alaskan King Crab legs with hot butter), followed later, at home, by some Banyuls Grand Cru 1949 to settle the stomach.

The lousy thing about furloughs is that they are unpaid. So if Hawpe needs to "settle the stomach" during his week off, he might better skip the $187 a bottle wine and opt for Pepto Bismal. The upside of a Hawpe furlough is that we the readers will need less Pepto Bismal while we await his return.

The Hawpester Channels Gandhi

Courier-Journal columnist David Hawpe has endorsed Al Gore's call for civil disobedience to the production and use of stop coal -- even clean coal.

In a speech at the recent Clinton Global Initiative meeting in New York, the former vice president urges adopting the tactics of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. Gore said, "If you're a young person looking at the future of this planet and looking at what is being done right now, and not done, I believe we have reached the stage where it is time for civil disobedience to prevent the construction of new coal plants that do not have carbon capture and sequestration" (technology that may not be perfected for many years, without which coal will continue contributing to global warming).

Actually, protesters already are out there, just across the state line in Virginia in Wise County, where 11, 12 or 14 (the accounts vary) were arrested after chaining themselves to steel drums. They were attempting to disrupt the building of a Dominion Virginia 580-megawatt coal-fired plant, for which ground was broken last month.

How about if Hawpe chains himself to one of Al Gore's mansions. As USA Today noted,

Public records reveal that as Gore lectures Americans on excessive consumption, he and his wife Tipper live in two properties: a 10,000-square-foot, 20-room, eight-bathroom home in Nashville, and a 4,000-square-foot home in Arlington, Va. (He also has a third home in Carthage, Tenn.) For someone rallying the planet to pursue a path of extreme personal sacrifice, Gore requires little from himself.

The technology to use coal without harming the environment is on the brink of helping our nation achieve energy independence -- and bringing good jobs to Kentucky. And yet David Hawpe wants us to chain ourselves to the steel drums. Clearly, Hawpe shares Barack Obama's vaunted "judgment."

McConnell Responds to Hawpe

For non-Louisville readers, here's Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell's response to David Hawpe's bizarre C-J column, in which Hawpe blamed McConnell for tution increases passed by the state General Assembly.

The C-J doesn't keep it's online edition up very long, so I'll play archivist and excerpt my favorite McConnell line:

Anybody with a basic understanding of civics knows that as Kentucky's senior senator in Washington, D.C., I have nothing to do with a state budget that is negotiated between the governor and the legislature in Frankfort. And the idea that one comment from me could escalate tuition rates across the state is even more ludicrous.

McConnell did a better job than I putting into concrete terms the vast good that comes from the millions of federal dollars that he directs to Kentucky:

U of L is at the forefront of medical research to fight heart disease and cancer. UK is expanding access to dental care in many rural parts of the state. WKU scientists help small communities provide safe drinking water and prevent wastewater from damaging our streams and rivers. And teaching programs at Northern Kentucky University help improve math and science instruction for Kentucky students.

The many Kentuckians whose lives have been improved by these efforts probably don't scoff at my efforts the way David Hawpe does, and would be happy to see me continue to bring home university funding to benefit our state. So I will.

It is beyond dispute that Bruce Lunford, as Freshman senator, could not bring this kind of money back to Kentucky (in the unlikely event that he were elected). Lunsford's TV ads not only acknowledge but underscore McConnell's seniority.

So the question for Lunsford becomes, is he willing to dip into his vast personal fortune to pay for those millions of dollars in earmarks that Kentucky would lose if it elects Lunsford?

Deconstructing Hawpe

David Hawpe continues to shock and amaze us in with his campaign to send Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell packing.

This week, Hawpe complained that Kentucky colleges are losing money, due to the"General Assembly following those no-new-tax instructions that McConnell gave his fellow Republicans back in 2000, when they took over the state Senate." It follows, in Hawpian illogic, that "the state's universities should be sending out press releases announcing how many millions they have lost, thanks to Sen. Mitch McConnell."

The "General Assembly [is] following those no-new tax instructions" from McConnell? Who knew that McConnell is so powerful that he controls even House Speaker Jody Richards and his Democratic minions. Talk about conspiracy theories.

But back to Hawpe's "reasoning." Hawpe is mad that Kentucky colleges are raising tuition; he calls this the "McConnell tuition hike." If the state legislature had been more generous, Hawpe argues, tuition would not go up. Maybe.

Even if Hawpe's assumption is correct, however, colleges should pass their increased costs on to their consumers -- the students. That's fairer and more efficient than financing higher education based on how much poor people smoke, for example.

Yes, that means that students will have to take out loans. But any student who is unwilling to invest in himself is not mature enough to be going to college in the first place. A student who is literally invested in his education, in contrast, is more likely to make it to class -- and to graduate on time.

Hawpe bemoans the cuts in spending that he attributes to the Republicans' (and Democrats') refusal to tax. Businesses, however, cut spending all the time. And any business that doesn't do so fast enough doesn't stay in business -- unless the government bails it. Moreover, raising taxes makes it harder to convince businesses to relocate to Kentucky.

The most bizarre aspect of Hawpe's rant is that he implicitly criticizes McConnell for doing too well, for bringing too much research money to Kentucky colleges, though he does so with the back-handed compliment to McConnell: "Give credit where it's due."

According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, earmarks for colleges have increased since the Democrats took control of Congress (though they campaigned to end earmarks). Even Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have won earmarks to support colleges in their states. McConnell just does it better.

Here's a sampling why McConnell deserves not only credit but our thanks and our vote. The University of Louisville this year ranks 11th in terms of earmarks, according to Higher Education, with total of $21.2 in federal grants. Note that five years ago, before McConnell became Republican Leader, U of L ranked 36th, with $12.6 million. Seniority matters. Any state that replaces a Senate party leader with a Freshman will lose millions of dollars as a direct result.

McConnell took care of University of Kentucky, too. This year, UK ranked 14th in the earmark contest, netting $17.6 in federal money. That's up from 43rd ($11.5) in 2003.

Many other Kentucky institutions of higher learning received federal money. So much so, that Higher Education ranks Kentucky second in the nation for "academic pork": $165 million. There's no way that the Kentucky General Assembly would give our colleges that amount of money, no matter how much it hiked taxes.

As for Hawpe and anyone else who is bitter about not being taxed enough, you are free to write a check to the Commonwealth or your favorite school.

We do owe Hawpe a thank you, of sorts. He is the nearest thing that McConnell has to a real opponent, and the election would be tedious without a little opposition.

David Hawpe, Queen-maker

The 2008 class of Leadership Louisville met with the Courier-Journal's editorial board yesterday and learned that all the editors present support Barack Obama -- except David Hawpe. (Jill Johnson Keeney was out of town.) Hawpe backs Hillary.

But Hawpe has veto power. So if the C-J endorses Hillary, we will know that Hawpe has exercised his prerogative as a Super-editor. And as late as the Democratic primary threatens to drag out, perhaps Hawpe's opinion actually will matter for once.